So today was supposed to be THE DAY!! I was gonna go to the doctor for my day 14 ultrasound to see if the medicine had worked and if I was about to ovulate! I just knew that it was gonna be there. That there would be at least one tiny little beginning of a human today. I was so excited this morning. I got to the doctor office and of course know the rituals. So I get myself prepared for the Dr to come in and I'm still so excited. He starts the scan and almost immediately he says, THERE IS NOTHING!! NOT ONE FOLLICLE MATURED AND READY TO COME ON OUT!! How in the world can this be? I felt in my heart that this was the month. God was going to answer my prayers this month, and the Dr is saying he hasn't.
I know that God is greater than doctors and medicines and he can make it happen. I thought it was gonna happen this month because last month I actually ovulated on my own! So I figured, if I did it on my own last month and this month I took a bunch of medications it will surely happen! But it didn't. My heart aches! I long for the growth of my child inside me again. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for my son! He is great and brings much joy to my life. But I want more. I always knew I would be a mom. It was my job. The only job I was ever sure of.
So now I am sitting and waiting again. Normally I would start a medication to make me have a period now since there is not hope according to the doctor but I feel like I need to wait. I feel like I need to give God the chance to do what he does and provide miracles. He can make those follicles mature and release. So I will wait and trust in him for a couple more weeks on this round. If it doesn't happen this month then I will try again. I have tryed over the last 8 years and not stayed with it.... this time I am not stopping until I am pregnant. My doctor also suggested trying to loose some weight. He says that that loosing 20-30 pounds would do wonders for my body and it might trigger on its own if I do. So I am going to be working hard on eating better and exercising more.
Please pray for me during this time of struggle.My faith is wearing thin. I have been on this journey so long, I just want to be able to have a baby like everyone else.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Tuesday .......
Today has been a great day. Noah got some school work done amongst a lot of craziness which I am happy about. Tomorrow, we will not need to leave the house until around soccer time in the evening so I am sure we will get a lot of school work done. Jeremy worked on a friends car that took forever longer than planned and ended up being an all day affair. We were going to get CiCi's for dinner but when we walked in the door there were people standing waiting for a table. LOL. We skipped pizza for tonight!
My thoughts though today have been on adding to my family. I don't believe have told anyone in my family the extent I am going to to have another baby. Frankly, I decided it wasn't any of their business. All they would do if I talked to them about it is yell at me anyway and I do not want to hear it. My husband is working on a new career which will make us a substantial amount of money as well as working on his senior year of college to obtain a degree in accounting. I have wanted more children since my son was born and it has not happened the natural way. My body unfortunately likes to "sleep" per say and needs help "waking up". I am currently on 2 medications and will be going to the Dr. next Thursday to see if my body has "woken up" and I am so hopeful! I just have a feeling this is my time!! We have planned that as long as our new "career" takes off as anticipated we will be moving out before Christmas. I am so looking forward to this and it will be perfect timing to add to our family. If you have read this I ask you please say a prayer for me. Another child is something very important to me. Some people may not understand it or ask why I would try when we are not out yet on our own but its something I need to do. If I end up pregnant it will be more of a reason to move NOW!! LOL.
Good Night.
My thoughts though today have been on adding to my family. I don't believe have told anyone in my family the extent I am going to to have another baby. Frankly, I decided it wasn't any of their business. All they would do if I talked to them about it is yell at me anyway and I do not want to hear it. My husband is working on a new career which will make us a substantial amount of money as well as working on his senior year of college to obtain a degree in accounting. I have wanted more children since my son was born and it has not happened the natural way. My body unfortunately likes to "sleep" per say and needs help "waking up". I am currently on 2 medications and will be going to the Dr. next Thursday to see if my body has "woken up" and I am so hopeful! I just have a feeling this is my time!! We have planned that as long as our new "career" takes off as anticipated we will be moving out before Christmas. I am so looking forward to this and it will be perfect timing to add to our family. If you have read this I ask you please say a prayer for me. Another child is something very important to me. Some people may not understand it or ask why I would try when we are not out yet on our own but its something I need to do. If I end up pregnant it will be more of a reason to move NOW!! LOL.
Good Night.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Manic Monday!!
Well happy morning to you all!! The weekend is over and its time to get back at it. Today I am fighting with our strong willed boy to get school done! It is pretty common around here for this to happen but I am praying the day will come when it will be easier. When he will finally grasp the concept of sitting down and getting it done so he has free time! Instead he likes to whine about it the whole time doing nothing and wasting valuable time!! We try to explain to him a hundred times a day..... Noah, just sit down and do it and you will be done FAST!! We have finally got through some History which is good. Now onto Math. I am hoping we get these three assignments done before lunch.
I have got laundry going and feeling a bit accomplished!! Now to keep Noah moving, my laundry going, and maybe pick up a few things in my room the rest of the day. I know I can do it, just gotta do it!!
I have got laundry going and feeling a bit accomplished!! Now to keep Noah moving, my laundry going, and maybe pick up a few things in my room the rest of the day. I know I can do it, just gotta do it!!
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Replaying my childhood through my son......
I was ecstatic when I was 8 years old and finally became a big sister! I was so proud to be a big sister! I didn't get to see my little sister much because she lived in another state and I only visited them a couple times a year. A couple years later I became a big sister again ..... 2 separate times. My mom and step dad had a son and my dad and step mom had another daughter. I was so happy to have little sisters. I had seen and heard about this awesome relationship and desired a closeness with a sibling like that.
For me though, as we all grew up, that is not how it worked out. Our relationship did not grow closer and it did not grow stronger. In fact, I feel like we live on different planets most of the time. My sister is expecting her second child and didn't even call me to let me know! I only happened to find out because our great grandpa passed away and saw her while home for the funeral. I could not imagine not telling someone in my family such amazing news!
So now, to my son reliving my childhood. I wanted 3 maybe 4 kids! We have had a hard time having children. I have PCOS and it makes it rather difficult to have a baby naturally. I took medication for three months and conceived in April of 2003. I lost that baby in July at 16 weeks. Heartbroken I thought it was going to be a lost cause and I would never be a mom. My Dr. assured me it was nothing I had done or wrong specifically why my baby died, it was a freak incident. So we went through it all again and 4 months after starting the medication again we were pregnant in July of 2004! Our Noah Rhylee was born in February 2005 and I was ready to have another baby a year or so after he was born. We have taken medication on and off over the last 8 years and have not had success. Our son has asked for a brother or sister many times and it breaks my heart. He has an older brother (16) and sister (14) but honestly they are annoyed by him more often than not. They are only here a couple days a week and he misses them terribly when they are gone. They get here and he just wants to be with them and it seems they want nothing to do with him. At this point if I were to have another baby, Noah is in the same place I was. He is 8 years younger than his big brother and he would be 9 years older than a new sibling. That is such a large age gap, how can they ever be close? I wanted so much more for my child(ren) than I had but I feel like I have failed. I have set my son up to not have a close relationship with his siblings because of the age gap. Is there a way to help them grow and stay close? I want them to always have each other no matter what because at the end of the day family is the most important in life.
I love my family so much. I have cryed to many times to count because I want to be close again. My aunts and uncles and cousins are all so close. They live in the same town they all grew up in so its easy to stay connected and hang out at a moments notice. They take family vacations together.
My prayer tonight for my son is that he always have someone other than his mom and dad to go to at anytime for anything. He is the greatest gift I have been given and deserves nothing but the best! <3 p="">
For me though, as we all grew up, that is not how it worked out. Our relationship did not grow closer and it did not grow stronger. In fact, I feel like we live on different planets most of the time. My sister is expecting her second child and didn't even call me to let me know! I only happened to find out because our great grandpa passed away and saw her while home for the funeral. I could not imagine not telling someone in my family such amazing news!
So now, to my son reliving my childhood. I wanted 3 maybe 4 kids! We have had a hard time having children. I have PCOS and it makes it rather difficult to have a baby naturally. I took medication for three months and conceived in April of 2003. I lost that baby in July at 16 weeks. Heartbroken I thought it was going to be a lost cause and I would never be a mom. My Dr. assured me it was nothing I had done or wrong specifically why my baby died, it was a freak incident. So we went through it all again and 4 months after starting the medication again we were pregnant in July of 2004! Our Noah Rhylee was born in February 2005 and I was ready to have another baby a year or so after he was born. We have taken medication on and off over the last 8 years and have not had success. Our son has asked for a brother or sister many times and it breaks my heart. He has an older brother (16) and sister (14) but honestly they are annoyed by him more often than not. They are only here a couple days a week and he misses them terribly when they are gone. They get here and he just wants to be with them and it seems they want nothing to do with him. At this point if I were to have another baby, Noah is in the same place I was. He is 8 years younger than his big brother and he would be 9 years older than a new sibling. That is such a large age gap, how can they ever be close? I wanted so much more for my child(ren) than I had but I feel like I have failed. I have set my son up to not have a close relationship with his siblings because of the age gap. Is there a way to help them grow and stay close? I want them to always have each other no matter what because at the end of the day family is the most important in life.
I love my family so much. I have cryed to many times to count because I want to be close again. My aunts and uncles and cousins are all so close. They live in the same town they all grew up in so its easy to stay connected and hang out at a moments notice. They take family vacations together.
My prayer tonight for my son is that he always have someone other than his mom and dad to go to at anytime for anything. He is the greatest gift I have been given and deserves nothing but the best! <3 p="">
Many thoughts in head.....
I have been having a problem for a while understanding the way things have turned out for me. I have noticed that I really did not have "true" friendships in school. People I thought were close friends I haven't talked to in ages. We didn't keep in contact after high school. We didn't go to each others weddings. We didn't go to each others baby showers. I keep up with people I thought were good friends through facebook. If it weren't for FB. I wouldn't even know if these "friends" were dead or alive, married, or with children. Don't get me wrong I love seeing how my "friends" lives have turned out. But i wonder to myself why we did we not keep in touch? I think to myself that there really must be something wrong with me. It seems I can not keep real true genuine friends around. I see others who have had their "best friend" for 15 or 20 years! I want true, genuine, deep, and meaningful friendships! I have had people who i thought were friends BLOCK me on FB like we are children! What have I done so badly that you have to block me from being your friend on FB? I enjoyed reading your uplifting and inspiring posts. I enjoyed seeing the amazing things you made your children. I enjoyed reading about children's accomplishments. It was nice seeing how some amazing ladies I had the privilege of knowing while growing up have become strong inspirational women to me! Then they disappeared!
I know I voice my opinion probably a little to much. I am not sure why I do that, it is just who I am. I had some rough patches growing up and kept a lot of stuff bottled up for many years. I don't know if that is why I now freely speak my mind or not. I am going to make an effort to keep my "drama" off of Facebook and post my frustrations here instead. If you have chosen to read my blog, then be prepared that at any point in time you could be reading my next rant! LOL.
I know that one day I will have the deep meaningful friendships I desire. It might not happen until I'm almost 40 but hey, better late than never! I also know that as much as the actions of a few have hurt my feelings, I know that God has allowed this to happen for a reason. <3 p="">
I know I voice my opinion probably a little to much. I am not sure why I do that, it is just who I am. I had some rough patches growing up and kept a lot of stuff bottled up for many years. I don't know if that is why I now freely speak my mind or not. I am going to make an effort to keep my "drama" off of Facebook and post my frustrations here instead. If you have chosen to read my blog, then be prepared that at any point in time you could be reading my next rant! LOL.
I know that one day I will have the deep meaningful friendships I desire. It might not happen until I'm almost 40 but hey, better late than never! I also know that as much as the actions of a few have hurt my feelings, I know that God has allowed this to happen for a reason. <3 p="">
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