Thinking......

I often times wonder why I am the way I am? What is it that I do on a daily basis? Why do I do what I do on a daily basis?

For starters I have a great son that I get to spend all day with. But instead of spending time with him and doing things with him I sit on here or watch TV. I really have become so lazy and complacent with life. Why has this life become ok with me? I dont really like it. I am disgusted with the fact that we are living with Jeremys parents, but I dont do anything to change it. His mother and I fight all the time. So why do I still do what she yells about?

With my kids I have been yelling so long I dont know if I know anything different to do. Sometimes I wonder if I yell just to yell.

But why has this become ok for me? I dont want to be a miserable mother and wife. I want to be happy and live a life full of love and happiness! I dont want all this anger and hostility in my children. They are frustrated and enraged at times and it breaks my heart to see my 4yr old especially act like that.

It is time for changes!! It is the time NOW! I dont want to live another like that. I want to be happy that my kids didnt have to flip their card at school today because they listened and forget that they forget all their homework for the night. How do you get to that point in life.

I have so many things that I think a 10 and 12 yr old should be able to do and when they dont I get irrate!

So today I am saying that I am done yelling. I want to be a good mom and yelling all day isnt cutting it!!


Today I push forward and move on!!

what is wrong with me?

Well I have never been one to have the right words for anything, but i dont think I can screw this one up....what is wrong with ME?

I have heard from two different people indirectly that I am rude/selfish and make everything about me. How I come across like this I don't know.

I try to be friends with everyone. I try to be nice and sincere and caring. For some reason I guess that isn't happening.

So all I can say now is, Lord help me!!! Show me what I am saying or doing that is wrong because I honestly don't have any idea!! I don't have that many people that I know or are friends with and I don't want to loose the few that I have. I am so lonely as it is. I miss all my close friends so dearly. I just want to have girlfriends again, that i can call and cry with and can call and cry to me if needed. Am I really that shitty of a friend???

I don't know how to change because I don't know what is wrong with me, someone please help!!