Wednesday.....

I never thought I would say this but I am ready for winter to be over! We have had a lot of snow days which is fun for the kids and I get that but it is causing lots of problems for me and Noah with his schooling. Having one kid in regular school and one in online school is taking its toll over the last couple months. It seems that most of the snow days have been on days that Josh is here with us. Well when Josh is here, he wants to play the PS3. That would be fine, except the child who does not have a snow day wants to play as well. He is already behind in stuff and this is just adding to the fire. I have noticed his attitude changing as well. He is getting more tudy and back talking and I have had enough.

Tomorrow he will get a list of stuff done, no questions asked. I am so fed up and stressed out it is ridiculous. I know I am part of the problem as I can NOT keep a schedule to save my life with child but he wants to do school at home so we have to find a way to work this out and work together!

Wacky Wednesday....

Well to my surprise, Joshua changed his mind and decided he did want to come back to our house! I had no idea until we were about to leave to go pick him up after school.

Now on the other hand, Brooke wants nothing to do with us. I guess it is mainly me!

I know perception is reality, and her perception is that I yell at her. I have admitted that I do use a loud harsh tone a little to frequently.

I have been taught a different way to show love I guess. When I yell its because she has made a poor choice. As a loving parent, it is my job to make sure she succeeds and is hurt as little as possible. If I had it my way, she would NEVER be hurt! I know in reality, that is not possible.

Having two homes with different rules I know is not the easiest either. Frankly, I believe that is what all this comes down too. One house is more lenient than the other, so she wants the home with more freedom obviously because she is a teenager. I know deep down there is nothing I can do to change this because 3 adults cant come up with same set of rules and consequences and STICK to them!

All I can do right now, is remember how much I love this girl and know that every decision I have made has been made with her in mind.

So, I will continue to pray that she realizes we love her, always have, and always will. <3 p="">

I LOVE YOU BROOKE MADISON!!

Life as a parent...

The last couple days have been a challenge in this house, actually months! We have full blown teenagers in this house, almost 17 and 14. I remember being a teenager and I heard about when my husband was a teenager. We did not make the best of choices ourselves, and I have always wanted better for them. I know we cant make decisions for other people but as a parent I feel it is my job to advise them when they are making wrong choices.

It is proven that the human brain is not fully developed until the end the age of 25!! Therefore, as a teenager you STILL do not understand right from wrong completely and their consequences.

This intelligent, bright, thoughtful, and caring boy is my stepson Josh from about 5 or 6 years ago. He is growing into a young man, he will graduate in a yr and a half. I have been in his life since he was almost 5 yrs old. I have loved him since day one, with no questions asked! I took him to practices, to games, helped at school holiday parties and end of the year activities. Joined the school PTA even!! All because I want the best for this child!! If he hurts, I hurt. I want him to live deeply for Christ and live a life that shows how much he loves the Lord. I have been a terrible example of this. 

As he has grown into becoming a young man there have been some choices that were not the best. He would get wrapped up in a "girlfriend" and she would consume his life. He would care less about school and family and be completely focused on her! He had one girl break up with him and he went into depression for 2 weeks while in the 6th or 7th grade!! His father and I advised him that now was not the time to be so worried about girls. Now was the time to focus on who he was becoming and what he wanted to do for the rest of his life. What were his goals and ambitions. He needed to get them clearly set and make sure he got the best grades he was capable of. He is a very smart child but as we all go through.... sometimes would "forget" homework and such. This has gone on for years. The summer between freshman and sophomore year he found people he didn't know who lived in other states and made elaborate stories about his life that were the furthest thing from being truthful. 

I am not sure where all this came from. The only thing I could conclude is that he needed more attention. I try to make sure all the kids get to do things they enjoy. Money has been tight so I figured things at home like playing video games and such would suffice. I guess not. 

We had a great big blow up this weekend and my heart is broken. He has been working since April of this year. Which is great! We are so proud of him. He kept good grades while working and all. This fall when school started he had school, band practice, games, competitions, and work and still had great grades! But another area we stink at demonstrating the proper way is finances.So, he had just been paid a decent amount of money for 2 weeks of work. He decided to go purchase one of the 2 items he had on his list for birthday and Christmas and spent almost $100!! Needless to say I was a bit frustrated. I unfortunately have learned from my own life growing up that the way to deal with conflict is to yell. So, I lost it a bit and got very defensive. As he was walking out the door he was also reminded that it would be appreciated if he would give us $10-$15 for gas money. He walked out and slammed the door.

Within 5 minutes I had a text saying he didnt want sunglasses ,(obviously cause he had just bought them), he wanted a car and his license. Now we go from a hundred dollar item to $400 for driver ed and possibly a couple grand for a car. He then proceeded to let me know that if he had to pay for gas in the car he would just quit cause it was our job to drive him to his job for FREE!! This is followed by, I need a break. When asked a break from what, I got, the house over there. I tryed to call him and find out where all this is coming from, over wanting him to save money since he has the 2 major gift giving times of the year for a person in a month? I tryed calling many times and I never got an answer. So the way I handled it was, blocking his phone to non trusted contacts, specifically friends and non family. 

Well, he did not like that idea either and was mad that he couldnt talk to his friends so he chose to go get his own phone and spend more money. 

So now, he has almost no money for the next 2 weeks, I have a second phone line I have to pay that is now not being used, and a child who doesn't want to come over. 

This has blown so out of control it is insane. I do not believe that kids should be able to do whatever they want when they want how they want. I do acknowledge that people do have to make mistakes but as a parent it is our job to make sure at all costs that they don't! My husband and I have only made rules for these children out of our own life experiences and hurts and we really don't ask for much. We have a rule no "dating", we prefer the "courting" term. From our own experiences, there is less hurt if you are courting and not dating. Courting is getting to know someone and what they are about without the "commitment". Obviously, we expect appropriate conversations, if they get out of bounds there is a consequence. 

At this point I don't know what else to do as a parent. I have 2 children who "hate" me after loving them since they were toddlers. It all seems to me to all be because they don't like what they consider "my rules", even though my husband I came up with them together. I know it is hard to have 2 households.... In my case though I was mainly at my moms, only saw my dad a few times a years. These kids have 2 different sets of rules and views on a weekly basis, which is no fault of theirs. 

I am going to be starting "Power of a Praying Parent" with a lady from church who in my opinion rocks! At this point I feel like God is the only one who can fix this. I need help with my snappy comebacks and they need to realize there are rules for a reason. 

So, if you have read this and you are the praying type please pray for me, my husband, and kids. 

when will my day come again?

So today was supposed to be THE DAY!! I was gonna go to the doctor for my day 14 ultrasound to see if the medicine had worked and if I was about to ovulate! I just knew that it was gonna be there. That there would be at least one tiny little beginning of a human today. I was so excited this morning. I got to the doctor office and of course know the rituals. So I get myself prepared for the Dr to come in and I'm still so excited. He starts the scan and almost immediately he says, THERE IS NOTHING!! NOT ONE FOLLICLE MATURED AND READY TO COME ON OUT!! How in the world can this be? I felt in my heart that this was the month. God was going to answer my prayers this month, and the Dr is saying he hasn't.

I know that God is greater than doctors and medicines and he can make it happen. I thought it was gonna happen this month because last month I actually ovulated on my own! So I figured, if I did it on my own last month and this month I took a bunch of medications it will surely happen! But it didn't. My heart aches! I long for the growth of my child inside me again. Don't get me wrong, I am so thankful for my son! He is great and brings much joy to my life. But I want more. I always knew I would be a mom. It was my job. The only job I was ever sure of.

So now I am sitting and waiting again. Normally I would start a medication to make me have a period now since there is not hope according to the doctor but I feel like I need to wait. I feel like I need to give God the chance to do what he does and provide miracles. He can make those follicles mature and release. So I will wait and trust in him for a couple more weeks on this round. If it doesn't happen this month then I will try again. I have tryed over the last 8 years and not stayed with it.... this time I am not stopping until I am pregnant. My doctor also suggested trying to loose some weight. He says that that loosing 20-30 pounds would do wonders for my body and it might trigger on its own if I do. So I am going to be working hard on eating better and exercising more.

Please pray for me during this time of struggle.My faith is wearing thin. I have been on this journey so long, I just want to be able to have a baby like everyone else.

Tuesday .......

Today has been a great day. Noah got some school work done amongst a lot of craziness which I am happy about. Tomorrow, we will not need to leave the house until around soccer time in the evening so I am sure we will get a lot of school work done. Jeremy worked on a friends car that took forever longer than planned and ended up being an all day affair. We were going to get CiCi's for dinner but when we walked in the door there were people standing waiting for a table. LOL. We skipped pizza for tonight!

My thoughts though today have been on adding to my family. I don't believe have told anyone in my family the extent I am going to to have another baby. Frankly, I decided it wasn't any of their business. All they would do if I talked to them about it is yell at me anyway and I do not want to hear it. My husband is working on a new career which will make us a substantial amount of money as well as working on his senior year of college to obtain a degree in accounting. I have wanted more children since my son was born and it has not happened the natural way. My body unfortunately likes to "sleep" per say and needs help "waking up". I am currently on 2 medications and will be going to the Dr. next Thursday to see if my body has "woken up" and I am so hopeful! I just have a feeling this is my time!! We have planned that as long as our new "career" takes off as anticipated we will be moving out before Christmas. I am so looking forward to this and it will be perfect timing to add to our family. If you have read this I ask you please say a prayer for me. Another child is something very important to me. Some people may not understand it or ask why I would try when we are not out yet on our own but its something I need to do. If I end up pregnant it will be more of a reason to move NOW!! LOL.

Good Night.

Manic Monday!!

Well happy morning to you all!! The weekend is over and its time to get back at it. Today I am fighting with our strong willed boy to get school done! It is pretty common  around here for this to happen but I am praying the day will come when it will be easier. When he will finally grasp the concept of sitting down and getting it done so he has free time! Instead he likes to whine about it the whole time doing nothing and wasting valuable time!! We try to explain to him a hundred times a day..... Noah, just sit down and do it and you will be done FAST!! We have finally got through some History which is good. Now onto Math. I am hoping we get these three assignments done before lunch.

I have got laundry going and feeling a bit accomplished!! Now to keep Noah moving, my laundry going, and maybe pick up a few things in my room the rest of the day. I know I can do it, just gotta do it!!

Replaying my childhood through my son......

I was ecstatic when I was 8 years old and finally became a big sister! I was so proud to be a big sister! I didn't get to see my little sister much because she lived in another state and I only visited them a couple times a year. A couple years later I became a big sister again ..... 2 separate times. My mom and step dad had a son and my dad and step mom had another daughter. I was so happy to have little sisters. I had seen and heard about this awesome relationship and desired a closeness with a sibling like that.

For me though, as we all grew up, that is not how it worked out. Our relationship did not grow closer and it did not grow stronger. In fact, I feel like we live on different planets most of the time. My sister is expecting her second child and didn't even call me to let me know! I only happened to find out because our great grandpa passed away and saw her while home for the funeral. I could not imagine not telling someone in my family such amazing news!

So now, to my son reliving my childhood. I wanted 3 maybe 4 kids! We have had a hard time having children. I have PCOS and it makes it rather difficult to have a baby naturally. I took medication for three months and conceived in April of 2003. I lost that baby in July at 16 weeks. Heartbroken I thought it was going to be a lost cause and I would never be a mom. My Dr. assured me it was nothing I had done or wrong specifically why my baby died, it was a freak incident. So we went through it all again and 4 months after starting the medication again we were pregnant in July of 2004! Our Noah Rhylee was born in February 2005 and I was ready to have another baby a year or so after he was born. We have taken medication on and off over the last 8 years and have not had success. Our son has asked for a brother or sister many times and it breaks my heart. He has an older brother (16) and sister (14) but honestly they are annoyed by him more often than not. They are only here a couple days a week and he misses them terribly when they are gone. They get here and he just wants to be with them and it seems they want nothing to do with him. At this point if I were to have another baby, Noah is in the same place I was. He is 8 years younger than his big brother and he would be 9 years older than a new sibling. That is such a large age gap, how can they ever be close? I wanted so much more for my child(ren) than I had but I feel like I have failed. I have set my son up to not have a close relationship with his siblings because of the age gap. Is there a way to help them grow and stay close? I want them to always have each other no matter what because at the end of the day family is the most important in life.

I love my family so much. I have cryed to many times to count because I want to be close again. My aunts and uncles and cousins are all so close. They live in the same town they all grew up in so its easy to stay connected and hang out at a moments notice. They take family vacations together.

My prayer tonight for my son is that he always have someone other than his mom and dad to go to at anytime for anything. He is the greatest gift I have been given and deserves nothing but the best! <3 p="">