Replaying my childhood through my son......

I was ecstatic when I was 8 years old and finally became a big sister! I was so proud to be a big sister! I didn't get to see my little sister much because she lived in another state and I only visited them a couple times a year. A couple years later I became a big sister again ..... 2 separate times. My mom and step dad had a son and my dad and step mom had another daughter. I was so happy to have little sisters. I had seen and heard about this awesome relationship and desired a closeness with a sibling like that.

For me though, as we all grew up, that is not how it worked out. Our relationship did not grow closer and it did not grow stronger. In fact, I feel like we live on different planets most of the time. My sister is expecting her second child and didn't even call me to let me know! I only happened to find out because our great grandpa passed away and saw her while home for the funeral. I could not imagine not telling someone in my family such amazing news!

So now, to my son reliving my childhood. I wanted 3 maybe 4 kids! We have had a hard time having children. I have PCOS and it makes it rather difficult to have a baby naturally. I took medication for three months and conceived in April of 2003. I lost that baby in July at 16 weeks. Heartbroken I thought it was going to be a lost cause and I would never be a mom. My Dr. assured me it was nothing I had done or wrong specifically why my baby died, it was a freak incident. So we went through it all again and 4 months after starting the medication again we were pregnant in July of 2004! Our Noah Rhylee was born in February 2005 and I was ready to have another baby a year or so after he was born. We have taken medication on and off over the last 8 years and have not had success. Our son has asked for a brother or sister many times and it breaks my heart. He has an older brother (16) and sister (14) but honestly they are annoyed by him more often than not. They are only here a couple days a week and he misses them terribly when they are gone. They get here and he just wants to be with them and it seems they want nothing to do with him. At this point if I were to have another baby, Noah is in the same place I was. He is 8 years younger than his big brother and he would be 9 years older than a new sibling. That is such a large age gap, how can they ever be close? I wanted so much more for my child(ren) than I had but I feel like I have failed. I have set my son up to not have a close relationship with his siblings because of the age gap. Is there a way to help them grow and stay close? I want them to always have each other no matter what because at the end of the day family is the most important in life.

I love my family so much. I have cryed to many times to count because I want to be close again. My aunts and uncles and cousins are all so close. They live in the same town they all grew up in so its easy to stay connected and hang out at a moments notice. They take family vacations together.

My prayer tonight for my son is that he always have someone other than his mom and dad to go to at anytime for anything. He is the greatest gift I have been given and deserves nothing but the best! <3 p="">

Many thoughts in head.....

I have been having a problem for a while understanding the way things have turned out for me. I have noticed that I really did not have "true" friendships in school. People I thought were close friends I haven't talked to in ages. We didn't keep in contact after high school. We didn't go to each others weddings. We didn't go to each others baby showers. I keep up with people I thought were good friends through facebook. If it weren't for FB. I wouldn't even know if these "friends" were dead or alive, married, or with children. Don't get me wrong I love seeing how my "friends" lives have turned out. But i wonder to myself why we did we not keep in touch? I think to myself that there really must be something wrong with me. It seems I can not keep real true genuine friends around. I see others who have had their "best friend" for 15 or 20 years! I want true, genuine, deep, and meaningful friendships! I have had people who i thought were friends BLOCK me on FB like we are children! What have I done so badly that you have to block me from being your friend on FB? I enjoyed reading your uplifting and inspiring posts. I enjoyed seeing the amazing things you made your children. I enjoyed reading about children's accomplishments. It was nice seeing how some amazing ladies I had the privilege of knowing while growing up have become strong inspirational women to me! Then they disappeared!

I know I voice my opinion probably a little to much. I am not sure why I do that, it is just who I am. I had some rough patches growing up and kept a lot of stuff bottled up for many years. I don't know if that is why I now freely speak my mind or not. I am going to make an effort to keep my "drama" off of Facebook and post my frustrations here instead. If you have chosen to read my blog, then be prepared that at any point in time you could be reading my next rant! LOL.

I know that one day I will have the deep meaningful friendships I desire. It might not happen until I'm almost 40 but hey, better late than never! I also know that as much as the actions of a few have hurt my feelings, I know that God has allowed this to happen for a reason. <3 p="">

Is there a "normal"?......

Normal..... what do you define as normal? When I ask that question I am referring to day to day life. I have never been good at having a "schedule" and  I keep trying to figure out why so I can fix it. I have been unable to find a definitive reason and it is frustrating because that just means I am being lazy. I am not getting up at a certain time, working out, making breakfast, etc. everyday around the same time cause I am being a bum! 

My room has been a disaster for months! I start and always end up with a basket of the little misc. things you don't know what to do with... do you keep em cause you might need them or do you just throw them away. I have always kept them until today! I went through MONTHS of mail I am sad to say.... but I feel so much better now that I have done it. The stuff I am keeping is almost all filed and it feels great! I have challenged myself to keeping my room and desk clean for 30 days! I have read that after 30 days it becomes a habit. I have tryed before to do this and only made it like a week maybe two. I don't want to be the lady with the messy house, if my husband needs something I need to know right where to go to get it. 

So I will be gone in a couple weeks for a couple days for my first ever Scentsy Convention and my goal is to start a good routine after I get back so when school starts at the end of August that we will already be in a good swing and I wont have a hard time with Noah. We struggled through this school year and I am not doing that again! I know we can do homeschooling I just have to be the mom and make it happen the right way! 

So if you happen to read this rant of mine I would ask you to pray for me. That I will be able to stick with being organized and start on a good routine. 

:)

Just another Manic Monday!......

Well today was another day I did not get up on time!! I am not SURPRISED!! LOL, I am so not a morning person. This is such a hard pattern to break but i will keep trying even after I fail! Even though I did not accomplish my wake up time I did get most of my to do list done today. I feel pretty accomplished as I am about to go to bed. Laundry is all done in one day so that means I can move onto the next weekly task...... Kitchen Tuesday! Tomorrow I plan to get the kitchen done early and work on my room. It still has a few things out of place and it drives me nuts. Hopefully I will be getting a new desk soon so I can be a little more organized. I love organization. Sometimes it takes me a bit to get just how I want it but when I do it is a piece of PEACE!

Another thing I have to get back to is capturing our day in pictures, not just words. I have such a bad memory I need as many ways to remember as possible.

So here is another day in the books, and another day closer to accomplishing what I am setting out to do. :)

Just another Sunday.....

Well here I am another week gone by. Man these days just seem to disappear as soon as they begin anymore. Again I have fallen short on my goals of daily tasks. I have a dry erase board I write my to do list on, a piece of paper, an app on my phone, and a home management binder with a daily task list!!! I have so many places to write it down yet I seem to miss the mark! I find myself getting discouraged because I don't know what is wrong with me. Why cant I simply be the wife and mother I know I was created to be and do what I need to do on a daily basis. I know the answer and its hard to swallow....... ITS ME!!! I get to involved in myself and what I want and what I think I need that I forget how to serve the ones I love and provide what they need. I am such a selfish person and I hate it about myself. I don't want to be selfish anymore. I want to be a servant, not only to the ones I love but to JESUS. I still find myself daily sucked into mindless things that don't matter.

Tomorrow starts another new day and it is going to be the day for me! It has to be!! I am taking a break from getting Noah's schoolwork together for the next couple weeks while I type this. I went through a while ago and made a GREAT daily routine. I had looked at other peoples schedules and then took those ideas to make my own. The biggest problem in this grand idea is the schedule starts with me waking up at 5:30 AM!!! Now for those of you that know me well, you know that is crazy talk for me!! I HATE to wake up early! I am a night owl who would much rather stay up until 12 or 1 AM and sleep until about 9 or later!! LOL. But the thing is, if I just do it, my life will run so much smoother! I have time in there to exercise, make breakfast, clean up kitchen, wake up Noah, have him dressed and fed and me showered all by 830!!! Then I have Laundry, Kitchen, Living Room, Bathroom cleaning each on one day of the week. I know it is doable, I just haven't done it.

So, I have to set myself up for a 30 day challenge. Not only to wake up on time with the alarm but to follow my schedule for 30 DAYS!! I have been told once you do something for at least 30 days it becomes a pattern...... I can only hope!

So friends I am asking for you to pray for me. That I would have the will power, strength, and perseverance to complete this task I have set before myself. I know with Gods help and your prayers I can complete my new 30 day challenge!! :)

Already not on track....

It seems that this is always how it goes with me. I make a plan or "resolution" and it never seems to happen. I always seem to let myself get sucked back into the unimportant superficial things in life. I have found myself over this past week backing away from TV and slowing down on facebook to picking up speed again on both. Why do I let these mindless things fill my day! I have so many things I need to do and so many other things are worth my time. I did not count the exact amount of time but I know my son watched entirely WAY TO MUCH TV IN ONE DAY! And I know I spend entirely WAY TO MUCH TIME ON FACEBOOK.

I have to come up with a plan for me, him, and the rest of the family to stay on track and not in mindless crap. I do not want this to be the rest of my kids future..... lost in TV. I loved going to my grandparents house and being able to take Noah to visit because up until last Christmas when my aunts, uncle, and dad got them cable ..... there was none. They do not have internet either. So there really wasn't much to do, other than help out or entertain yourself with some of the toys grandma still has from over the years. We definitely need new boundaries for electronics in this family.

I have so many ideas, good ones I think, but I never seem to follow them. I have the greatest of intentions but fail miserably in the follow through department. I have been wanting to read the entire bible in a year for years now, I have a ton of books I want to read that I have had for years now, and I have to get back to hanging out and playing one on one more with my son. He is going to be 8 in 42 days!! All these years are going by and I feel like I am failing him. I wanted to provide him traditions and memories of different holidays and I don't know that I have succeeded at that. I have to resolve that 2013 IS THE YEAR FOR THESE THINGS TO HAPPEN! Even though I am falling "off the wagon" I have to make myself get back up and ride on.  If I fall off and say oh well I failed again, I will never get it right. I know I can go it! I just have to choose to!!

Happy New Years Eve 2012-2013!

Well another year is about to come to an end in a little over an hour and it is so hard to believe. It seems more and more the years go faster and faster. 2012 has been full a lot of changes in our family. I went back to work, Noah went to a traditional brick and morter school, we lost  my father in law, I went back to a SAHM, joined Scentsy as a consultant, and Noah went back to homeschooling. There were other things along the way of course but those were the biggest changes throughout the year I think.

Every year at this time though I have to think about what I have done right, wrong, didnt follow through with, and want to change. There are always many things it seems I say I want to do or need to do and dont do them. SOOO, here is my list of changes coming for me and my family in the next year.

1. We will get to church on a regular basis again.
2. Volunteer to help those less fortunate and in need.
3. We will get back to Friday night family game night.
4. I will read through the Bible in the next year.
5. I will keep Noah on task with school daily.
6. I will make a more conscious effort to eat healthier.
7. We will be starting the Dave Ramsey financial plan, maybe find a class to attend.

I am sure there are many more things that I need to change in the new year but these are the main things that I can think of.

I hope you all have a blessed, healthy, and prosperous 2013!